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lunasarielOK, now I'm mildly concerned. I know I've been on a bit of a Nightrunner binge lately, but this morning at work, while we were discussing our weekends, I realized I'd done *nothing* but fangirl. I perused each and every fanart that Deviantart has to offer, read the entirety (four years and running) of Lynn Flewelling's LiveJournal, and just generally moped about and daydreamed.
But this is all fairly normal behavior for a fangirl. The worrying part is that I don't remember anything else. It was exactly like a period in my life several years ago, where real life wasn't much fun, so I retreated almost entirely into my books. There were entire weeks where I couldn't remember where I'd gone or who I'd talked to, but I could recall perfectly ever page I read. When I realized that was how my weekend was, I got a little scared. I know I must have eaten, run errands, and talked to people, but I have a very hard time recalling any of it, while Seregil's and Alec's adventures stood out in my mind, as fresh as if they'd happened to me.
I haven't had a reaction like the one I had to the Nightrunner series in a long, long time. I don't want to do anything but read, and I don't want to read anything but Nightrunner. Even Terry Pratchett himself can barely tempt me!
The thing is, I'm happy. Or at least, I think I am. I'm certainly enjoying the series (if that wasn't obvious enough), but I'm also enjoying the clarity, the purity of the experience, which has reached a level I haven't felt in years. Or have I? Now I'm almost afraid that I'm deluding myself into thinking that a descent back into the self-imposed isolation of several years ago is a good thing. But I'm not isolating myself (at least, I don't think so; once again, there's that self-doubt)...
I just feel kinda...trapped. While I was happy in my loneliness back then, I don't want to go back to what my life was like then. But the simple act of enjoying a book to an unusual degree won't suddenly make people shun me, won't make my family start fighting again, won't make me afraid to speak. I can't move back, because I'm (probably irrationally) afraid of re-lighting those fires, but I can't move forward, either, as I've exhausted all the fan-resources I can find, there are no more books that I haven't read, and Lynn has put the official kibosh on fanfiction.
AAAARRRGHHHH!!! I'm just going around in circles! This is exactly like my Sirius/James thing: my head warns of danger, while my heart just wants to enjoy itself. I guess I'm afraid of losing myself to that degree again...wait, I sound almost exactly like Ryo did, when he was refusing to admit that he was in love with Dee! Maybe I do just fear a nonexistent lack of control over my emotions.
Hey, waddaya know, that actually helped! I'm not exactly in a state of Zen-like calm, but I can funtion now. Thank you, Sanami Matoh!
Wow. I'm going to look back in a couple of years and be rather embarrassed over how many Nightrunner posts I made.
But this is all fairly normal behavior for a fangirl. The worrying part is that I don't remember anything else. It was exactly like a period in my life several years ago, where real life wasn't much fun, so I retreated almost entirely into my books. There were entire weeks where I couldn't remember where I'd gone or who I'd talked to, but I could recall perfectly ever page I read. When I realized that was how my weekend was, I got a little scared. I know I must have eaten, run errands, and talked to people, but I have a very hard time recalling any of it, while Seregil's and Alec's adventures stood out in my mind, as fresh as if they'd happened to me.
I haven't had a reaction like the one I had to the Nightrunner series in a long, long time. I don't want to do anything but read, and I don't want to read anything but Nightrunner. Even Terry Pratchett himself can barely tempt me!
The thing is, I'm happy. Or at least, I think I am. I'm certainly enjoying the series (if that wasn't obvious enough), but I'm also enjoying the clarity, the purity of the experience, which has reached a level I haven't felt in years. Or have I? Now I'm almost afraid that I'm deluding myself into thinking that a descent back into the self-imposed isolation of several years ago is a good thing. But I'm not isolating myself (at least, I don't think so; once again, there's that self-doubt)...
I just feel kinda...trapped. While I was happy in my loneliness back then, I don't want to go back to what my life was like then. But the simple act of enjoying a book to an unusual degree won't suddenly make people shun me, won't make my family start fighting again, won't make me afraid to speak. I can't move back, because I'm (probably irrationally) afraid of re-lighting those fires, but I can't move forward, either, as I've exhausted all the fan-resources I can find, there are no more books that I haven't read, and Lynn has put the official kibosh on fanfiction.
AAAARRRGHHHH!!! I'm just going around in circles! This is exactly like my Sirius/James thing: my head warns of danger, while my heart just wants to enjoy itself. I guess I'm afraid of losing myself to that degree again...wait, I sound almost exactly like Ryo did, when he was refusing to admit that he was in love with Dee! Maybe I do just fear a nonexistent lack of control over my emotions.
Hey, waddaya know, that actually helped! I'm not exactly in a state of Zen-like calm, but I can funtion now. Thank you, Sanami Matoh!
Wow. I'm going to look back in a couple of years and be rather embarrassed over how many Nightrunner posts I made.
