Funny Song-Type Thing
Aug. 22nd, 2008 10:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lunasarielEDIT: I know the LJ cuts are screwed up, but I don't exactly know how to fix them. Sorry!
This is something that's been niggling at me for quite a while. I've always recognized the similarities between the names "Anita" and "Maria", and this is the natural result. Actually, it used to be a bunch of Anita's previous foes arguing about how to deal with everybody's favorite Vampire Hunter, but as the series got suckier and suckier, and as the focus turned from foes to friends with benefits, so did my focus.
(Vamps, weres, etc.) She screws a vamp and gets a cramp,
Pregnancy scare
(Humans) She never goes in to work
She’s never fully there.
(All) And underneath her t-shirt
She’s hung like a mare.
(Dolph) I even heard she moved into the Circus!
(Jason) She’s always late to rescue
(various boy-toys) And early into bed
(Louie) She has dumped poor Richard
Oh, where has gone her head?
(Real!Anita) I hate to have to say it,
But I very firmly feel,
Laurell’s gone completely bonkers.
(Manny) I’d like to say a word on her behalf…
(spoken) Never mind, I can’t think of anything.
(All) How do you solve a problem like Anita?
Where do you find the Hunter when she’s gone?
How do you find a word that means Anita?
(Cops) A traitor wench,
(Fangirls) a Canon-Sue,
(All) a whore.
(Richard) Many a thing I know I need to tell her,
Many a thing she’ll never understand.
But how do I make her stay,
And listen to what I say?
(all) Oh, where has the Executioner gone?
Oh, how do we solve a problem like Anita?
How do we find the Hunter when she’s gone?
(Nathaniel) When I’m with her I’m a wimp,
(Edward) Or I’m brainless,
(Jean-Claude) or a pimp,
(All three) And I don’t know any longer what I am
(Richard, Micah, Jean-Claude, Rafael, Donovan, Joseph) She’s screwing every alpha!
(old Edward) She will break like balsa!
(Jean-Claude) She’s a servant!
(Werewolves) She’s a lupa!
(All) She’s a Sue!
(Fangirls) She’ll rewrite the canon
And replace it with fanon
She could throw a decent old series all to hell!
(Troo fan) She’s maturing! (dissenter) She’s a nut!
(Troo fan) She is better! (dissenter) She’s a slut!
(Troo fan) She’s a hero! (dissenter) She’s a shadow!
(All) She’s a Sue!
(All) How do you solve a problem like Anita?
Where do you find the Hunter when she’s gone?
How do you find a word that means Anita?
(Cops) A traitor wench,
(Fangirls) a Canon-Sue,
(All) a whore.
(Richard) Many a thing I know I need to tell her,
Many a thing she’ll never understand.
But how do I make her stay,
And listen to what I say?
(All) Oh, where has the Executioner gone?
Oh, how do we solve a problem like Anita?
How do we find the Hunter when she’s gone?
And because it's all the funnier in context, the original text of the song "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria" © The Sound of Music, by Rodgers & Hammerstein.
She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee
Her dress has got a tear
She waltzes on her way to Mass
And whistles on the stair
And underneath her wimple
She has curlers in her hair
I even heard her singing in the abbey
She's always late for chapel
But her penitence is real
She's always late for everything
Except for every meal
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
Maria's not an asset to the abbey
I'd like to say a word in her behalf
Maria makes me laugh
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?
When I'm with her I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a darling! She's a demon! She's a lamb!
She'd outpester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl
She is gentle! She is wild!
She's a riddle! She's a child!
She's a headache! She's an angel!
She's a girl!
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?
This is something that's been niggling at me for quite a while. I've always recognized the similarities between the names "Anita" and "Maria", and this is the natural result. Actually, it used to be a bunch of Anita's previous foes arguing about how to deal with everybody's favorite Vampire Hunter, but as the series got suckier and suckier, and as the focus turned from foes to friends with benefits, so did my focus.
(Vamps, weres, etc.) She screws a vamp and gets a cramp,
Pregnancy scare
(Humans) She never goes in to work
She’s never fully there.
(All) And underneath her t-shirt
She’s hung like a mare.
(Dolph) I even heard she moved into the Circus!
(Jason) She’s always late to rescue
(various boy-toys) And early into bed
(Louie) She has dumped poor Richard
Oh, where has gone her head?
(Real!Anita) I hate to have to say it,
But I very firmly feel,
Laurell’s gone completely bonkers.
(Manny) I’d like to say a word on her behalf…
(spoken) Never mind, I can’t think of anything.
(All) How do you solve a problem like Anita?
Where do you find the Hunter when she’s gone?
How do you find a word that means Anita?
(Cops) A traitor wench,
(Fangirls) a Canon-Sue,
(All) a whore.
(Richard) Many a thing I know I need to tell her,
Many a thing she’ll never understand.
But how do I make her stay,
And listen to what I say?
(all) Oh, where has the Executioner gone?
Oh, how do we solve a problem like Anita?
How do we find the Hunter when she’s gone?
(Nathaniel) When I’m with her I’m a wimp,
(Edward) Or I’m brainless,
(Jean-Claude) or a pimp,
(All three) And I don’t know any longer what I am
(Richard, Micah, Jean-Claude, Rafael, Donovan, Joseph) She’s screwing every alpha!
(old Edward) She will break like balsa!
(Jean-Claude) She’s a servant!
(Werewolves) She’s a lupa!
(All) She’s a Sue!
(Fangirls) She’ll rewrite the canon
And replace it with fanon
She could throw a decent old series all to hell!
(Troo fan) She’s maturing! (dissenter) She’s a nut!
(Troo fan) She is better! (dissenter) She’s a slut!
(Troo fan) She’s a hero! (dissenter) She’s a shadow!
(All) She’s a Sue!
(All) How do you solve a problem like Anita?
Where do you find the Hunter when she’s gone?
How do you find a word that means Anita?
(Cops) A traitor wench,
(Fangirls) a Canon-Sue,
(All) a whore.
(Richard) Many a thing I know I need to tell her,
Many a thing she’ll never understand.
But how do I make her stay,
And listen to what I say?
(All) Oh, where has the Executioner gone?
Oh, how do we solve a problem like Anita?
How do we find the Hunter when she’s gone?
And because it's all the funnier in context, the original text of the song "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria" © The Sound of Music, by Rodgers & Hammerstein.
She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee
Her dress has got a tear
She waltzes on her way to Mass
And whistles on the stair
And underneath her wimple
She has curlers in her hair
I even heard her singing in the abbey
She's always late for chapel
But her penitence is real
She's always late for everything
Except for every meal
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
Maria's not an asset to the abbey
I'd like to say a word in her behalf
Maria makes me laugh
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?
When I'm with her I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a darling! She's a demon! She's a lamb!
She'd outpester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl
She is gentle! She is wild!
She's a riddle! She's a child!
She's a headache! She's an angel!
She's a girl!
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?
