Where's the Girl? (SP Reference)
Oct. 14th, 2007 10:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lunasarielDraugwen was *mine.* I thought up her name, Wolf-maiden, I brought her up from level 1 with NOBODY'S help. Nobody knew what she could do but me. But now Peter used her, and she's not mine anymore. She used to be an extension of the self, but now that innermost, private self has been seen by others; directed, changed by others. Hence, the reflection upon this self: I can do nothing by myself, I will be pried into and examined until there is no secret self left. And I can't live without a secret self. If everybody knew everything there was to know about me, I would be nothing. When you know something or someone, you possess a part of it or them. Thus, if everybody knows about this, about me, I will own nothing of myself.
I don't know why I'm crying over her. All I know is that I can never go back on Draugwen after this. She made me feel smart and dangerous and powerful and everything that I'm not, and now that someone else has controlled her, it proves that I'm not. I'm not beautiful or mysterious or brave or competent or anything that Draugwen was. And I'm not pure or holy or wise the way Lunasariel was, either. Every time I make a character on WoW (ye gods, this sounds stupid), but I put a little of myself into them. Something that can't be taken back, and I either see them through to completion and get that something repaid with interest, or I lose it entirely. I gave Lunasariel all my purity, and now I am base. I gave Draugwen my dark, powerful inner mind, and now I am bland and weak. And Kestrel: my hunter, I gave my independence and willfulness, and now I am dependent, even pliant. I keep wondering what I have left to give, and to whom shall it go? What else about me is interesting enough to tempt the gods of fate to bless my new character and her story? Love, I gave to Lunasariel. Friendship, to Kestrel. I haven't given up grief yet. Maybe I could do a grieving character...
I don't know why I'm crying over her. All I know is that I can never go back on Draugwen after this. She made me feel smart and dangerous and powerful and everything that I'm not, and now that someone else has controlled her, it proves that I'm not. I'm not beautiful or mysterious or brave or competent or anything that Draugwen was. And I'm not pure or holy or wise the way Lunasariel was, either. Every time I make a character on WoW (ye gods, this sounds stupid), but I put a little of myself into them. Something that can't be taken back, and I either see them through to completion and get that something repaid with interest, or I lose it entirely. I gave Lunasariel all my purity, and now I am base. I gave Draugwen my dark, powerful inner mind, and now I am bland and weak. And Kestrel: my hunter, I gave my independence and willfulness, and now I am dependent, even pliant. I keep wondering what I have left to give, and to whom shall it go? What else about me is interesting enough to tempt the gods of fate to bless my new character and her story? Love, I gave to Lunasariel. Friendship, to Kestrel. I haven't given up grief yet. Maybe I could do a grieving character...
